Rosa Murray / observations and feelings from a new territory

I didn’t sleep well thinking about the challenge of a solo experience in the outdoors,the ‘what ifs’ kept disturbing me…. what if I got bored? what if i got lost? what if I couldn’t do it? then I remembered my brother Tony’s words ‘there is  no such thing as what if only what is’ and I become more peaceful. This day is mine,I wakened at 5am and headed off to the tipi at 6am,we sat in silence around the fire then gradually left in silence to begin our solo journey.It was dark leaving the beach and I was glad of the torch lent to me by Alister. When the darkness of the morning gave way to the light I had a new understanding of  the words  of the creation story ‘Let there be light’ and also how grateful I was that it was within the design of the universe.

this place feels so safe,I am peaceful walking alone  and I stop at the first of my solo spots.I hear the birdsong  and wish I could identify the birds and understand their language (a note to self to do some CPD in this area).I notice and feel nature in new ways and realise that previously I have  been to busy to notice. The scenery here is so vast and beautiful that I cannot but help thinking about all those who have gone before me known and unknown.

Silence is so powerful and I think about all the unnecessary chat and noise that exists in my life and that of the society I inhabit and I remember the words of Thomas Merton in his book  No man is an island

”Those who love their own noise are impatient of everything else’

now given that I like to talk  and I live in a very noisy house with lots of people and conversation  I have to admit to being challenged by Merton’s words.

the day continues and I move to another spot near the shore,though I like being  on my own I was worried about  such a long period of solitude with no punctuated rewards or tasks but I am increasingly at peace with the whole experience. its ok.

I have become aware of the power of self and that  we must recover the sense and ownership of our own being before we can act wisely or really understand the creation that surrounds us . Is it not the case that everyone has solutions for us? There are so many ‘fixers’ waiting to give the answers to  our problems or issues and how often do we go along with their answers against our own better judgement simply to please others and avoid the potential for rejection.  Sitting here in this amazing scenery I know that we must find our real selves  not in what we do or how we impact on others but in our own souls which is the place of our principle and feeling.It is easier to practice  this here but much more difficult when back in the hustle and bustle of everyday life,Isuppose it is important to make that space  even in the middle of a city, to find that solo space and just ‘be’.

Sitting at the water,feel I want to move again and keep walking but decide to stay still and write and be nourished and nurtured by the beauty surrounding me, John O Donohue wrote , among others,a,wonderful book named  ’Eternal Beauty has its own design’ and within this he says that the human soul is hungry for beauty and that we seek it everywhere be this in landscapes,love,faith , clothes,design or in others. I think it’s good to focus on this even in the hardest of times and sufferings.

I am heading back now to the tipi  and as I await dusk falling I am quite pleased with myself that I did manage this solo,it’s the first time I have been on my own in nature for such an extended period  and though I had some anxieties about it all actually I was fine and feel at peace. I have never before had a day guided by the light  and not by a watch or a diary. And it all feels ok.